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Destinations, Dreams and Dogs - International adventure with a fast-track family (& dogs) of Old World values, adopting the Russian-Italian-American good life on the go…!

Adoption Talk

Adoptive-ParentsHave you ever been part of a chat room or forum focusing on a particular aspect of adoption?  Maybe it was for parents of older children, those who came from China or Eastern Europe, adoptive parents who want to find birthparents or resolve post-adoption behavior issues, families hailing from different states or religions….

While the narrow focus is often helpful, sometimes it helps to discuss subjects with many different kinds of adoptive parents.  It may be concerns about backgrounds of neglect, or how to put together a lifebook, or you want a recommendation for a neuropsych exam.  Maybe it’s a call for photos of your child’s birthcountry, or how to celebrate an upcoming ethnic holiday, the right way to braid black hair, or if you should readopt once home.

You might simply need to know that others have gone through similar things, and come out alright.

If it takes a week to post your comment, or if all of the supposedly “supportive” people shoot you down, itimages doesn’t really work, does it?  If you need updated info when a country is closing or suspending adoptions, time lags can seem like forever.

I believe it’s time to organize into a centralized adoption discussion board that’s user-friendly and adoptive-parent-friendly, a place where an adoption agency is not trying to convince you of something that is solely in their interest.  It should be free, and easy to sign-in without knowing some sort of secret handshake.

Just sayin’.

Meanwhile, I enjoy our daily chit-chats, friends.  I hope you do, too.

 

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8 Comments : Leave a Reply

  1. avatar Linda says:

    we have 2 Facebook groups, both closed, and privet, you only find out about them from the adoption agency’s and only if you fit the profile.
    It’s easy, free and quick.
    And there’s a lot of people that actually understand what you’re going through…

    • avatar admin says:

      That is great, Linda, and of course, every country is different in terms of their regulations concerning adoption. The Facebook groups sound pretty user-friendly. That’s the whole issue of private -versus- open forums. Even if someone is not an adoptive parent or agency worker, they may have info about another country. But I’m sure that thorough screening keeps out strange people! 🙂

  2. avatar Sarah says:

    I couldn’t agree more Alexandra! I have mentioned I couldn’t re join FRUA chat room as I am not a paying member…..true but I do live in London. It also was very nasty at times. I would love somewhere to post and see updates on what is going on. Have you heard anything on Russia?

    • avatar admin says:

      No, sorry, Sarah, no news on this end. Some agencies are closing in the US if they specialized in Russia. I don’t believe this will be a short-lived suspension and their Russian personnel have come to similar conclusions….

      The beauty of moderators on forums is to let the essence of comments come through, but nastiness, in my opinion, is just never called for. Why incite a riot? We need to be here for each other. Even if a child was adopted in babyhood, there will be ethnic, legal, citizenship, and memory issues that will pop up from time to time. That’s where a responsive and active forum could really help.

  3. avatar sarah says:

    I agree. Why so mean to each other? It really became a “I have the perfect child or you are doing it all wrong ” type of thing. I do agree Russia is totally closed to Americans. Here in Europe this newest russian adoptee death in Texas (bless that poor baby) is all over the place. God help us all what is going on? I PRAY that abuse is not the case here. I did read an article about it on The Moscow Times site that actually quotes the number of russian adoptees killed in Russian homes for a few of the past years. That is a new twist. The entire situation is just so wrong though. My Gracie is a serious Diva and has had some really truly unreal behaviour at times but, beating a child? I just don’t and never will understand it.

    • avatar admin says:

      When our first son came home and gave us pretty much no trouble whatsoever, some incensed onlookers claimed I was lying. “All older kids have issues!” I would agree, but not all kids act out, for whatever reasons. State your reality and it will help someone, while not having to claim, “And you will divorce, too!”

      There are those drawn to adoption thinking that all orphans will be eternally grateful. Ours certainly are, but we never expect that, it’s just that as older kids, they knew the real score in Russia and here. When children present with problems, trying to sort out their past and present, parents uneducated in adoption realities may snap. They think the child is being willfully disobedient, etc. It becomes a test of wills, or it appears as though that one child is getting away with murder, while the earlier kids have to listen and obey….

      If a little one comes home and feels that they need to kick and punch a parent, I tell adoptive parents to hold their arm or leg still, period. Have everyone cool down, and remove yourself from the scene if it’s escalating. But beat or starve them? That’s what they came from….

  4. avatar Sarah says:

    I guess our Gracie is almost 4 and 28 pounds and has never been violent just some nice choice rad behaviors. She gets better all the time. I agree with the cool down engaging is what she used to look for me to do, when it doesn’t happen the cycle eventually stops. It is just learned behavior. The saddest thing is she screams in her sleep no! And stop it! Leave me alone!. What happened to this poor thing……obviously a ton did…..she came home at 17 months. Last night I thought someone was banging on our door at 2 am. It was poor Gracie kicking the wall in her sleep? Really, these poor kids. She doesn’t remember her nightly events either. Happy as a clam today. Had a great day.

    • avatar admin says:

      Oh, Sarah, aren’t the nightmares the worst? Our youngest, adopted at 8.5 and now 12, still experiences them upon occasion. (I tell her it would help if she and her sister would not chat in the darkness of bedtime about scary orphanage events….) After four years, it’s finally subsiding. Somewhat. And she remembers everything. But at least older kids can verbalize some of it.

      Poor Gracie, to be working through all of this at night! At least she doesn’t remember it. Maybe it’s giving her some relief? Our kids are all going to be tough go-getters, to have survived and done so well, despite their difficult early days! Give her a big hug. 🙂

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