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Destinations, Dreams and Dogs - International adventure with a fast-track family (& dogs) of Old World values, adopting the Russian-Italian-American good life on the go…!

Eight Reasons Why I Cannot Exercise

Have you ever heard someone say, “I’ll get in shape even if it kills me”-?  Boy, can I relate.

Everything has sought to conspire against me, but I shall prevail.  Just to let you know what I’m up against, here’s a list of potential loopholes to the “Downsizing My Derriere” program.

1.  You’ve already heard about my being Playclothes-Challenged.  Well, somebody washed my ace-in-the-hole hoodie sweatshirt.  Instead of being long-sleeved, it’s now more like 3/4-sleeved.  That’s a problem.  Why?  See #2 below.

2.  Mosquitoes are killing me.  I have big welts on my legs and arms and torso.  Mind you, none of these areas are exposed, which is why I want the long sleeves and long pants to protect me further from bites.  I’m already liberally dowsed in Deep Woods Deet inside the clothes, most likely causing brain damage of some sort due to the pine scent.  Yet if the covered areas of my skin are the ones being bitten (?), perhaps it’s time to throw caution to the wind and let it all hang out.

3.  Speaking of which, I thought of investing in some sort of exercise underwear.  Rather than any shaping action to hold me in like a stuffed sausage, I felt that loose cotton or microfiber material would wick away any anticipated sweat from my body.  Instead of my normal size, I went one size larger with the thinking that it would give me plenty of freedom of movement.  Wrong move.  Well, first of all, it turned out to be two sizes too large, since the hanger size and the label size did not match.  At all.  Don’t you hate that?  You arrive home to find out that you didn’t buy what you thought you bought.  (And really, I’m not going to try on underpants in any store….)   Only I didn’t discover that it was two sizes too big until I was out doing my exercise thing and I felt them flapping around.  Try to do a sport when your bloomers are so big they’re carrying on calisthenics of their own.  I think the wicking action turned out to be more like a wedgie action.

4.  The socks were a bust, as well.  (Can you see that I am not suited for this?  I have photos of myself with my first son, years ago, wearing a business suit and heels, playing soccer.)  Rather than the normal crew socks, I decided to go with the fashionable footsie look, so as not to detract from my clunky white tennis shoes.  These are the kind that just cover the toes and heel.  Now that I’ve checked out other ladies and see that they wear the ankle-high footsies that peep out of the top of the sneakers, I understand why.  Midway through my sporting scenario, the barely-toe-and-heel-covering footsie socks sproinged off my feet, inside my shoes.  Try to run and hop and leap and whatever it was that I was supposed to be doing… with a big wad of sock-ball scrunched under your foot, not to mention the wedgie working its magic elsewhere.  My pain was much more than sore muscles.

5.  Did you know that sunscreen and mosquito repellent are no longer available in combo lotions?  Since sunscreen should be liberally applied and Deet should be used sparingly, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control recommends using them from separate containers at their correctly-timed intervals.  I decided to place the sunscreen on the top of my wrists, hands and shoelaces, while the bug spray goes on my neck, wrists, and a liberal cloud over my head (don’t breathe-!) and around my feet.  Just a note:  Deet does decompose and destroy nylon stockings.

6.  Hair and makeup.  What is normally an arduous process now has to be undertaken a couple of times per day.  All of this showering and shampooing is running up our water bills.  If I didn’t have time to exercise in the first place, all of the post-exercise sprucing-up is taking up a huge chunk of my day (or night), as well.  It’s draining to be glamorous.

7.  Heat stroke.  Why I undertook this regime in the height of summer is beyond me.  Luckily there are no mirrors out in nature’s great exercise land, but when I get home from huffing and puffing in the heat, it’s not a pretty sight:  bright pink cheeks bordering on fuchsia, piercing blue eyes rimmed in smudged mascara.  “Aiyhh!” I recoil, thinking this must be a stranger in the mirror.  No, it’s me… with heat stroke.  I have downed two big bottles of water, and the sweat has caused the slippery sunscreen to slide right off of the seven square centimeters exposed at my collar-bone in v-formation… which is now also… bright red.

8.  I am gaining weight.  Gee, this wasn’t the intended outcome.  Maybe it’s from all of the gallons of water I’m drinking?  That’s wishful thinking.  Better to sit inside in the cool and sip lemonade than to be GAINING WEIGHT.  I understand that muscle weighs more than fat, but still….

Do you think this is some sort of conspiracy?  Maybe I should stop while I’m behind???  After all, the big behind is what started this whole idea of starting to exercise again.



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6 Comments : Leave a Reply

  1. avatar Winnie says:

    Well to tell the truth I haven’t hit the gym since May. Dragging two kids along to stuff them in the daycare center is too much and they often require reservations if it’s during the busy times – like first thing in the am – and face it I’m not that organized. I’ve resigned myself to paying the fees until school starts back up and not using it.

    My strategy is to excercise either first thing in the am or last thing in the day, then you either are getting dressed for the day or just taking a quick shower and getting ready for bed. If I don’t do one or the other I don’t excercise, just not up to doing all that hair business even once a day, much less numerous times a day.

  2. avatar Gwendolyn says:

    {SMILE} I’ll lose weight when you do; or you’ll lose weight when I do… or we’ll both lose weight when the Congress comports itself with civility and tact…

  3. avatar Phyllis says:

    So funny! I need to do the same thing desperately, but all your reasons sound so perfect. Maybe when it cools off. : )

    • avatar admin says:

      Phyllis, read my lips: sweat is not attractive. That’s probably why people go to indoor gyms. Not that a lot of spandex, mirrors, and boatloads of other sweating individuals interests me, either…. But now I have a reason to get up and out every day, so I’ll have to write about that. Looks like I’m in it for the long haul, like it or not, lol.

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